Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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