Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
