Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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