We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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