I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
