I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
