Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
