You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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