You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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