I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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