I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
