I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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