You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
