I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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