You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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