not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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