i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
