Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
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