Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
