dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
