my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
