i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
