Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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