there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
