just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My penis needs a shock collar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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