the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
