I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
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