Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
