If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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