Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
