Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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