My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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