I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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