We got so high we made milksteak
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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