smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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