Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
