So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize