maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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