why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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