Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
