There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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