Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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