My nipple is on Facebook.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
