Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
