I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
