If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
