One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
