If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
