Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize