Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
