Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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