at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
where are you?
Hypothermia
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
