I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
