I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
