I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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