whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
BRING THE BAGELS
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
