Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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