I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
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