I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
