meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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