if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
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Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
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You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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