I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
