bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
